They say when you gotta go, you gotta go. This expression rang true for an unnamed Cranford resident who decided some margarita glasses at a local cantina were his best option.
“We were freezing! There was nothing he could have done,” said the man’s wife, who agreed to an interview so long it was anonymous. The two were dining at River and Rail Cantina on a brisk 26 degree evening when the man got the bright idea. “Y’know, with COVID and all, they can’t expect us to go inside for the bathroom. We weren’t comfortable going inside.” The man, noticeably shaking from having to let it loose, quickly snatched a margarita glass from a passing waiter. He then proceeded to strip down naked and urinate, melting all of the ice in the glass. As if it couldn’t get any worse, he then put the glass back on the tray, not only breaking the law, but now in violation of the highly important 90 minute policy imposed by River and Rail.
A bus boy at the restaurant reported the man was erect, but neglected to comment further.
While the morality of these actions is highly questionable, one thing is for certain: the man jumped on the train tracks the next day and died.
-James Harden, Channel 34